🎪 MENO ND Autism, Touch, and the Freedom of Menopause Introduction The Puzzle of Intimacy by Sarnia de la Maré FRSA
Excerpt from the book
MENO ND
Autism, Touch, and the Freedom of Menopause
Introduction
The Puzzle of Intimacy
For most of my life I assumed there was something quietly wrong with me.
I loved people. I felt loyalty, tenderness, and fierce protectiveness toward those close to me. I could sit for hours talking with someone I trusted, listening carefully, observing small details about their moods, remembering what mattered to them. Emotional closeness came naturally.
Yet physical closeness often did not.
Touch—particularly the casual, affectionate touch that many people seem to experience as comforting—frequently felt overwhelming. A hug could feel intrusive rather than soothing. Prolonged contact could become exhausting. Even small gestures that others interpreted as warmth could feel, internally, like sensory noise.
This created a paradox that took many years to understand: it is possible to care deeply for others while simultaneously struggling with the physical language through which love is commonly expressed.
For autistic women, this paradox can be especially confusing. Cultural expectations around femininity assume that women are naturally tactile and emotionally demonstrative. We are expected to hug easily, cuddle instinctively, and communicate affection through physical closeness. A woman who does not behave this way can be labelled distant, cold, or emotionally unavailable.
Many autistic women therefore learn to perform affection. We watch how others behave and copy it. We tolerate contact that feels uncomfortable because we do not want to appear rude or unkind. We learn scripts of normality.
This process is known as masking. In relationships, masking can become particularly intense.
During the early stages of romantic connection—when excitement and novelty are high—it can be easier to maintain the performance. The cultural script of romance provides a structure: dates, flirtation, gestures of intimacy that follow predictable patterns. But as relationships settle into everyday life, expectations around touch, sexuality, and closeness often increase. What once felt manageable can become exhausting.
The result is a pattern many autistic women quietly recognise: relationships that feel emotionally meaningful but physically overwhelming.
For years this tension may remain unexplained. It can be interpreted as personal failure, emotional distance, or incompatibility with partners who expect physical intimacy to play a central role in connection.
Then menopause arrives.
Menopause is usually described as a period of loss: the loss of youth, fertility, and sexual vitality. But for some women—particularly those who have long felt conflicted about the physical expectations placed on their bodies—it can bring something else entirely.
Relief.
As hormonal changes alter libido and partners age alongside us, the cultural pressure surrounding sexuality often softens. The urgency that once surrounded physical intimacy begins to fade. The scripts that once governed relationships lose some of their force.
For the first time, it can become possible to ask a simple question:
What if intimacy does not have to follow the rules I was taught?
What if tenderness does not require constant touch?
What if autonomy—over one’s body, one’s boundaries, and one’s relationships—can coexist with deep affection?
This book explores those questions. It looks at the sensory realities of touch in autism, the social expectations placed on women, the role of masking and overwhelm in intimate relationships, and the unexpected ways menopause can allow a quiet renegotiation of intimacy.
For some women, menopause represents decline.
For others, it marks the beginning of something far more unexpected:
the freedom to define closeness on their own terms.
