Love Slime from Planet 9.
Narrator speaks, in a deep deep, gravelly voice:
"In a world where love is dangerous… and tentacles are legal…"
It all started when Betty Lou Buckminster, assistant librarian and part-time UFO blogger, saw something crash-land in Farmer Milt’s cornfield.
"I swear on my coupon book, that ain’t a weather balloon," she muttered, adjusting her cat-eye glasses and strapping on her rollerblades. She skated toward destiny—and probable alien infection.
Inside the crater: a glowing pod, pulsing like a disco heart. And out of it slithered him—tall, green, and gelatinous. With eyes like limpid pools of lime Jell-O and a voice that sounded like Barry White underwater.
“I… come… in love,” he gurgled.
She gasped. “You speak English?”
“Downloaded from satellite… reruns of Baywatch Nights.”
They locked eyes. Or, eye and eyes. Something clicked—possibly her kneecap, she landed hard in the mud.
That night, in her trailer full of Beanie Babies and conspiracy charts, they talked for hours. He learned about tacos. She learned about bioluminescent pheromones.
“You’re not like other intergalactic slime-based lifeforms,” she whispered, brushing a tendril from his non-face.
“And you’re not like other Earth females,” he replied, vibrating affectionately.
Cue montage:
Sharing a milkshake with two straws (he absorbs his through osmosis).
Dancing at the drive-in (to Love is a Battlefield).
Evading the government in a stolen hot dog truck.
But love, like all things in the B-movie dimension, cannot last unchallenged.
Enter: Major Bluntforce, rogue military man with a buzzcut and a personal vendetta against feelings.
“This thing’s a menace! Look at it! It’s… sticky!”
“Love is sticky!” Betty Lou shouted, shielding her goopy beau.
Bluntforce raised his ray gun. “This ends now.”
But the slime, fueled by love and a half-eaten churro, enveloped the Major in a warm, consensual hug of understanding. His cold heart melted like discount chocolate in a glovebox.
Final scene:
Betty Lou and the slime wave goodbye to Earth, rocketing into the stars in a glittering Winnebago converted into a spaceship.
Narrator:
"They came from different worlds… but found one heart. Love Slime from Planet 9—coming soon to a theater near Uranus."
Roll credits over a synth-pop power ballad:
🎶 "You had me at ‘gloop’..." 🎶
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